Ending with a New Begining

This year has been full of ups and downs. The kids are finding new passions. I am finding myself. Ian is even learning to find himself. the path we are choosing to follow this year will hopefully bring us o tour ultimate goals.

The last couple of months have been rough for Audrey. She has always loved hockey and was jealous when her brother got to try it, and now play. watching him, she has tried to persuade me to let her play too, but with the hype her coaches have about her tennis playing, I have been against it. I made a deal with her about learning to apply makeup and learn to walk in heels so she could learn to skate and i think she decided against hockey. She still loves the game, and to watch it, but I think she's realizing that her path is taking her elsewhere. Monday she goes back to the Veterinarian twice a week to do kind of like an apprenticeship to start getting her hours for post graduate school. She even has a new laptop to start keeping track of everything.

Lucas, on the other hand, is learning about hockey, devouring it. He has gotten books on the subject from the library, he dreams about it, and loves to talk about it. He takes skating lessons and is learning to play. He met his cousin that played goalie for years. He wants to be a goalie. He learned about Patrick Roy, and now that is his idol. This weekend he will hopefully gear up for the first time as a goalie. He's bringing his grades up, and his behavior in school is better.

I Never thought I would be the mom that was always there to do everything. I have wanted it. I'm still afraid of it, but I'm working on it. I work two to three days a week, less than twelve hours total, and make what  I did at the hospital. I love it. I can drive Lucas to Fremont for hockey and skate lessons two to three times a week, I can run Audrey to the vet, pick her up from band on Wednesdays. Lucas doesn't have to sit on a buss for an hour after school. I'm sure they love it all. Plus I'm home to cook dinner and get all the the things done I never felt I had the time or energy for.

Ian is learning to like his newest job. I'm hoping over the next year he learns that being gone five days a week isn't really a bad thing and that I am ready and willing to do what I need to at home, for the kids and for myself to make life easy and enjoyable for all of us. It's never about him being away. I miss him when he's not home. It's about making our dreams come true.

For the new year, I want to do more entries in my blog I want to start on my nursing degree. I would like to get a new car and possibly even renew my interest in Avon. I would like about ten more visits a week for my job, hopefully closer to home and during the day while the kids are at school. I want to lose weight. I gained seventy pounds in three years at the hospital. It needs to go. I am determined to be  a better person this year, kinder, more giving, within reason. I will command respect, I will be the best person I can be.

Why I Do This

This week has been very busy. Ian left Monday morning. Tuesday Lucas went to hockey after a PTO meeting after school. Wednesday we had skating lessons, both in Fremont. Tonight Audrey has pep band, and I have to work for four hours at the hospital in the morning. Then it's pick up Ian whenever he gets home, and home health in the evening. the kids are why I do this. So they can do the things they love, that they enjoy and want to do. I love that my schedule is so flexible. I don't think I could ever go back and work a regular schedule. I am loving being an at home mom for the most part. I wouldn't mind getting a little more work, but I'm glad I'm there for the kids.

New Beginings

Sometimes things happen that are out of our control. How a person responds to that situation is what makes them the person that they are. It can make them better, or it can make them more dependent, helpless, ignorant.

My daughter almost made a life changing decision that made me realize what is truly important in my life, that maybe I had lost, or forgotten. I realized that maybe I was working too much, not home enough  to know what was going on. I made a decision that morning when I found out how much my 14 year old daughter had grown up without me. I decided that I would find something where I could be home more.  Even if it would be a financial cut.

I started looking into home health, I had done it as an aide before I started at the hospital. I had enjoyed it. When I started to interview, I realized it could be more money than I was making now. i work less, make the same amount or more.

Leaving the Hospital was a hard decision. At times I loved my job there, but then there were times it was a nightmare. The experience, especially as an LPN was incredible, I was fortunate enough to have floated to other units, since  my mother was one of the nursing supervisors. I will never forget what I learned there. But I had to leave, not just because of my family, but because of the fortunate fact of my mother having worked there for over ten years.

I had an interview at the beginning of  august. My director made it known to one of the people interviewing me who my mother was, every time I went to another unit, it was the same thing you're (supervisors) daughter. I wanted to scream NO I"M MELISA. If I stayed, I would forever be in her shadow, That is not the reason I decided to go back to nursing. Even the money wasn't the reason I decided to go back.  I want to help people, I want to heal them, and make a difference in their lives.

I love my mother and respect all she has ever done, for me, my brother and for herself. More than she'll probably ever know. She introduced me to nursing. Without her I wouldn't be where I am today. I don't know where I would be, who I would be, but from now on I mean to make my own path.

Two in the morning and I'm sitting here still wondering.  Why am I focused on a career that abuses me, rarely appreciates the hard work and long hours.  Why am I not focused on something that I love.  I enjoy being a nurse to most of my patients.  I just want to be home with my kids. I haven't seen my almost freshman since Wednesday and won't see her again until Tuesday.  I  said goodbye to my youngest and won't see him again until Tuesday.  I'm not sure it's worth it anymore.  I keep asking for a sign that I should pursue avon more fully.

time clock

I'm sitting here in front of the time clock,  wondering what I'm doing.  I don't want to be here.  I want to be working on my business.  I want to be home with my family.  I just want to have more energy,  be more productive at home and have more fun. I want to be able to let go. TBC