School Year

First quarter is over. FINALLY. the weeks have been long, and Ian is back at work, driving a truck again. The summer never really calmed down, Audrey had tennis camp at MSU, then fourth of July, all the while summer band and open nets for tennis.

Audrey started out playing first doubles, then after some injuries and removals, she moved to second singles. I made almost every match this season. I think I only missed two. Considering she has only played varsity doubles, I think she did well this year, holding her own against some of the toughest girls in the area, taking them almost point for point, playing for two hours at times.

Fridays have been football games, and weekends have been hockey.

Lucas had to make the first sports decision this fall. He had to choose football or hockey. I don't think it was much of a choice for him. I worry about him, he has no one at school to talk to about his sport. Sometimes I think he likes it that way, other times, I think it makes him lonely. He misses all the birthday parties, gives up sports with local friends. Maybe this is good, as right now he wants to be an NHL goalie. It may make the traveling and decisions easier later on.

It's been two months since I've posted. They have been two of the hardest months I can remember. Ian had a stroke, my grandmother passed, and I became the sole bread winner of our family.

Lucas called 911 when Ian went into a convulsion on the kitchen floor. Ian was taken to the hospital, and then taken to UTMC for observation for a week.  The day after he cam home, my grandmother passed away. The funeral was that Friday. Since then life has been about finding some sense of normalcy with Ian being home more, Audrey finishing up track and band, and Lucas with baseball. 

At work, I was covering for a nurse on maternity leave on top of my normal schedule. I have been working seven days a week since March, and then picked up anything I could when Ian came home to supplement our income. Things are starting to settle back to normal, and while my brain and body are happy to have more time to relax, my wallet has moth holes. 

Ian is doing better. He's had a headache since it all happened. Two days ago, he said he had no headache at all, and the double vision he's had is dissipating. He had a CT on Friday, and we're hoping for a good word to go back to work soon. 

Audrey was running track, she got varsity, band has finished and restarted, with my as BPO president. It took me a month just to sit down to do an agenda for my first meeting. I'm hoping to geta ll that going a bit smoother. 

Lucas, baseball has been going better than I had expected. Lucas has been the first batter in the lineup in every game he's played in. He plays catcher and a lot of outfield. He has a tendency to sit in the outfield as if the whole game is boring him. He plays, but you can tell now, his heart isn't really there. 

We've taken him to Toledo to go skating twice. I talked to the parents of a friend of his that told Lucas he had been skating for five years and convinced them to let us take him with us. The kid never admitted he couldn't skate until we got him on the ice. He now loves it. 

Today, Lucas started his first goalie camp. I was terrified. He is staying with my ex-father-in-law. He will be gone until Friday. I have never been away from my son for so long.  I know that if this is the path he really wants to take, and he continues on this path, this is only the beginning of him going away. 

I worried that his equipment wasn't enough, that he was fit enough, that the other kids wound make fun of him, that he would get hurt, everything that parents worry about their kids. I texted that I hoped he was having fun and got a "i am i won a championship and got a braclet i also am going to dryland training"

I have never been more proud of my child. Six months dressing as a goaltender, and he beats out all the kids in his age bracket(7-12), with little training with an actual coach. On day one. I'm hoping he comes away with a lot of new skills and knowledge. He's happy. He's away from me. I'm probably more of a mess than he is. I didn't realize how hard this would be.

Don't have to try

With almost fifty home health visits this week, a Band parent meeting, that starts early, parent teacher conferences, two baseball practices, and possibly two track meets this week, its not going to be hard to keep myself busy.
I've actually gotten 14 visits out of the way this week already.  Still have the rest of the day today, and five more days this week. I'm rarely taking a full day off right now. I want to get as much work as I can while we're in between hockey and tennis. I know I'll be getting more visits in a couple of weeks when Kelsey goes on leave, and I'm hoping I can handle it without getting burnt out. I jst want to get the kids camps paid for and the rest of Lucas' hockey equipment.

Audrey says she's not pressed if I cant;make her track meets, which is kind of nice since baseball is(of course) on Tuesday too. Baseball starting is going to keep us busy again, but at least my kids are staying out of trouble.

Ian is trying to get a new job. He wants to go back to delivering for Family Dollar. Possibly with USExpress. We're hoping and praying that the bridge incident doesn't hold him back. I know he's making phone calls today to a couple of the carriers besides the one he applied with. It would be nice to get some good news on that front this week.

2 down, 100 to go

I'm down 2 pounds. I should be down more, but, again I procrastinate, and have only worked out twice in the last two weeks. Today is the first day in the same period that I do not have any visits, and I don't have to be in the hospital for anything. I've already done twenty minutes on the elliptical. I'm getting ready to start working on getting things into the back of my new vehicle.

I love my new car, even though it wasn't one I was looking at. It actually is a better vehicle than I thought we could get. When the salesman brought it up for me to test drive, I almost cried. Now I know how the people on game shows feel when the host says "Johnny, tell them what they've won!" and the announcer says"A NEW CAR!"  Only I have to pay for the car on top of tax title an license.

I'm feeling better this morning, not so worn out, I know my life could be worse, and sometimes, I feel like I'm taking on too much, but when my check comes and I can make my care payment with one weeks work, I know its worth it and we're on the right path.

I'm procrastinating again. I need to work out, and I need to get more people under me as far as leadership with Avon is concerned. I'm letting my anxiety get the best of me. I'm so afraid of rejection and that I'm going to do things wrong that I have a habit of putting it of or not doing it.

I'm anxious for my tax return, as we will be getting another vehicle, and I can't wait.  I have one picked out, but my concern is that it won't be there when I get my money. I have a backup, but I would really, really, really like my first choice.

Last night, I told the BPO I would be their president next year. it wasn't an easy decision to make. But I want to be there for Audrey and help out where I can. That's why I decided to leave the hospital in the first place. Ian was upset, until I explained I why I needed to do this. He's still against it today, but at least he's more understanding.

Got a couple of extra visits this week, both during the day, while the kids are at school, and in town. Makes me happy that the RN thought to ask me to help out. Audrey is enjoying her time at the vet clinic. Tonight is ADM, tomorrow Audrey has jazz band, and this weekend, Audrey has 3 pep bands.

Things are moving along. It's getting easier being home. I like to think we're all finding our places more easily when when the weekends come along.

I think its time to stop procrastinating at least on the workout front.

Tired

Tonight I am exhausted. I don't really feel like I've done much, but I feel like I can barely keep my eyes open.

I went to two car dealers today to look at what I'm thinking of getting when I get my tax return back. (I filed today)  I really think I found what I want, but I'm afraid that my credit will prevent me from getting it. The last year has been really rough and we got behind on everything. I ended up defaulting on all my credit cards and there were health care bills that we couldn't pay. It's been really trying since Ian got laid off.  We're doing our best, and finally starting to get back on track, pulling out from behind some of these bills.

With Lucas' birthday on Saturday, he wanted something to take for his class, so we had to go get cupcakes. Then I realized the cat was almost out of dry food and completely out of wet. So back to the store. THEN Lucas tells me there are 24 students in his class plus the teacher. More cupcakes. THEN it's time to pick Audrey up from the vet. And finally home to make dinner, finish homework,  and get a call from my mom about him having trouble with his oxygen levels.

A quick Avon meeting and it's time for some hockey youtube, a shower and finally bed.

I think I need a longer day.

Keeping it together

After a busy week, I'm glad to be back to some normalcy. Taking the kids to school, meetings at the office, running  to the library. I'm thinking this week I'm going to work on transforming part of the dining room into an office area for me for Avon.

I'm trying to get a handle on our insurance benefits. I'm working on our taxes.  I'm also trying to help Audrey look at colleges for her undergrad school.

My mother called and wanted me to go to the hospital today. Sometimes I think she forgot why I left the hospital in the first  place. I explained about all the kids do and all she said was oh, I'm sorry.

I feel a bit better now. I know I need to be here for my kids.

In it for all the marbles

Today I started recruiting again.  I went out with my upline and DSM recruiting. We hit up some places I've bee to, and quite a few that i haven't . We left a lot of books, an got a new person in my downline. Also, one of my old representatives has said she wants to come back UNDER ME!   I'm excited to be back in leadership again.  I'm pulling out my materials and getting myself set up for success this time. I want to go to Vegas for the national conference this summer. I want to grow and learn and maybe one day give up the 9-5. LOL.  I'm still getting on the elliptical for 15 every day. I don't feel like there's been much improvement in anything besides my appetite. I'm going to keep trying though. I need to lose the weight. Maybe I'll start mall walking a couple of times a week. I can meet new people and get exercise.

Steps

I am taking steps on my own  path now. I am leaving my job at the hospital. It weighs me down. I dread going in there and I am so indecisive when i get a text message on my phone asking for help, and I almost always look for excuses not to go in.

I am ready and willing to take my Avon business to the next level. Anew commitment to making a successful business for myself. I have talked to my DM, and next week she and I are going to work on building my business. I feel good about the decisions I have made today for myself.

Sometimes letting go can be hard, but when it's said and done, it's the best thing we can do for ourselves. I'll miss my rehab girls, but I need to do this for myself, and for my family. my kids are only going to be young once. I refuse to spend it being tired, at work or frustrated because of work.

Growing Up

When my son started playing hockey. I knew that it was not going to be easy. I saw the passion when he started bringing books home from the library. I knew that there was something there as I watched him walk effortlessly in the ice skates, even the first time. When he said he wanted to be a goalie is when the fear started to set in.

My son said he wanted to play the hardest  position on the ice. He wants people to hit pucks at his head. He wants to wear all that gear and be responsible for getting scored on.  He's done enough research, he knows what he's getting into. and after two weeks of dressing as goalie, he loves it more than ever.

Yesterday his coach stopped me as I went to gather his equipment and said, "He's a natural."
The moms were telling me how great he was doing, everyone was so proud of him. As I watched one child push him over, try to take over his net, and hit him with his stick, I worried for him. Every Time I saw a puck get past him, I worried for him.  I wanted to cheer for him every time he made a save, but I'm trying to practice "heads-up" hockey parenting, I don't want another parent to feel bad his kid doesn't make a goal.

I have been filled with emotion since practice ended yesterday.  For the second time in the last six months, I have heard that one of my children has made an amazing impact on a coach. What makes it harder for me, is that they both made the decisions on their own.

They're both growing up, becoming independent. I take it I must be doing a good job raising them to know themselves and listen to their subconscious as to what they want. To see my son, learning and studying the game of hockey, and watch my daughter hit a tennis ball as if it where a shuttlecock, I am awed at their skill. I am proud of their talent, and hard work to continue to stay on top of their respective games.

My turn to do my homework.

15 Minutes.

I've been having trouble getting motivated this week. I don't know if it's because of the long periods of time between my shifts, or just not having as much to run the kids to, as I did before winter break, or just getting used to not going to work as much.

Don't get me wrong, I love my schedule, and really don't want to change it. I know it was colder this week and my bed was so comfortable. BUUTTT, today I finally got my lazy but up and got on my elliptical. I've done 15 minutes today. I am going to get another 15 in later today. I want so much to be healthier for my family. I have to get on every day and work on it.

This is about not being thin enough to ride a roller coaster with my kids because the seat belt won't fit. Then I'm embarrassed and Ian feels bad, then when I say, no I don't want to he doesn't understand. He says "oh I weigh 200 pounds".  In my head I'm like, OMG I wish I was only 200 pounds.

I put on 70 pounds in my three years at this hospital. I'm going to try to lose a good portion of that  before May. I can do this. I have to do this. I WILL DO this, Not  just for myself but for my family.

Lonely

With the kids back in school after winter break, the school year almost half over, and only one birthday to go, It's time for me to start looking for things for the kids to do over the summer. It seems early as we haven't even gotten any snow yet, let alone gotten to Easter. I'm learning that if I don't start planning and paying on it, the kids will be bored most of the summer, besides Audrey and band.

Audrey had originally wanted to go to Spain, and we have started to pay on it, but the cost is up there, Then she wants to go to tennis camp. do an aquarium camp at the zoo, and then next year, she wants to go to a vet prep camp in Columbus. Lucas wants to go to goalie camp at the end of the summer, and any other hockey camp he can find. ( I found one in Maine, but the price is just as bad as Audrey's trip to Spain.)

On top of everything else, we're struggling to catch up from Ian not working. That doesn't help him, as he feels that he's not making enough. It's not even that. Once we catch up, things will get better. It's just going to take time. I work two days a week and make s much as I was at the hospital. I want more visits, more during the day while the kids are at school, hopefully.

Sometimes I wish I had someone else to talk to. I know if I wanted to I could ask, but, I don't want to burden anyone, I'm not close enough to anyone anymore to just call and vent or use as a sounding board. My mother is always judgmental, and rarely supportive. It's frustrating, and sometimes makes me wonder why we moved back to Sandusky.   It's not it hasn't been good for us. It's been really good for us, but it's hard to no have anyone to really talk to.

I'm scared. I worry all the time that we won't make our bills. I'm always trying to scrimp and save. Ian wants desperately to start a savings account,  I do too, but its so hard when we have bills that seem to materialize out of nowhere, on top of the bills we (I) know about. I feel like I could hit the lottery and still owe a ton of money.

I wonder if that feeling will ever leave.

Back to Basics

Today the kids went back to school.

Lucas was excited, because he loves where he is. I've been fortunate enough to be blessed wfith two smarter than average children. So as Lucas is considered gifted by the school systems he was invited to the "advanced school". Here he is challenged to meet his full potential, and offered time in labs, nature, and other facilities where he can learn more, and in different ways. This year has been a challenge for him, he has never switched schools. We had some behavior issues, and we wonder if it's from Ian going back to being gone five days a week.

Lucas's grades dropped, and he was missing a lot of work, either handing it in late or not at all. I wonder if it was Ian, or a combination of having to be at my mom's a couple nights a week as I worked twelve hour shifts. Since I've been home more, his grades have gone up and he seems happier. On one of his papers today he even wrote, "My life is awesome." I almost cried.


I'm the type of person to second guess myself. I always wonder if I'm doing the right thing. Today my eight year old son clarified it for me.

I'm trying to learn to be a band/hockey/tennis mom. Band I get. I've been there, done that. I understand what goes into being part of that organization. Hockey, I understand the game. I was a hockey girlfriend/best friend all through high school. I spent winters at the ice rinks all through high school and even after. I've traveled for tournaments, I KNOW how expensive it is. I never expected to be a hockey mom though. I'm learning, all those little things I never paid attention to with my ex-husband and now ex best friend, I have to learn on my own. It can only get easier eventually.  Tennis is a totally new thing to me. My brother played for like one year I think in high school. I have no clue as to what I'm doing. I have to listen my now fifteen year old daughter when she tries to explain.

And so the new year begins, with learning the basics of being a band/hockey/tennis mom. Getting the kids fed, managing equipment, bus services, homework advisor, and above all, number one fan for my amazing student athletes.