Tonight I am exhausted. I don't really feel like I've done much, but I feel like I can barely keep my eyes open.
I went to two car dealers today to look at what I'm thinking of getting when I get my tax return back. (I filed today) I really think I found what I want, but I'm afraid that my credit will prevent me from getting it. The last year has been really rough and we got behind on everything. I ended up defaulting on all my credit cards and there were health care bills that we couldn't pay. It's been really trying since Ian got laid off. We're doing our best, and finally starting to get back on track, pulling out from behind some of these bills.
With Lucas' birthday on Saturday, he wanted something to take for his class, so we had to go get cupcakes. Then I realized the cat was almost out of dry food and completely out of wet. So back to the store. THEN Lucas tells me there are 24 students in his class plus the teacher. More cupcakes. THEN it's time to pick Audrey up from the vet. And finally home to make dinner, finish homework, and get a call from my mom about him having trouble with his oxygen levels.
A quick Avon meeting and it's time for some hockey youtube, a shower and finally bed.
I think I need a longer day.
Thursday, January 28, 2016
Monday, January 25, 2016
Keeping it together
After a busy week, I'm glad to be back to some normalcy. Taking the kids to school, meetings at the office, running to the library. I'm thinking this week I'm going to work on transforming part of the dining room into an office area for me for Avon.
I'm trying to get a handle on our insurance benefits. I'm working on our taxes. I'm also trying to help Audrey look at colleges for her undergrad school.
My mother called and wanted me to go to the hospital today. Sometimes I think she forgot why I left the hospital in the first place. I explained about all the kids do and all she said was oh, I'm sorry.
I feel a bit better now. I know I need to be here for my kids.
I'm trying to get a handle on our insurance benefits. I'm working on our taxes. I'm also trying to help Audrey look at colleges for her undergrad school.
My mother called and wanted me to go to the hospital today. Sometimes I think she forgot why I left the hospital in the first place. I explained about all the kids do and all she said was oh, I'm sorry.
I feel a bit better now. I know I need to be here for my kids.
Friday, January 22, 2016
In it for all the marbles
Today I started recruiting again. I went out with my upline and DSM recruiting. We hit up some places I've bee to, and quite a few that i haven't . We left a lot of books, an got a new person in my downline. Also, one of my old representatives has said she wants to come back UNDER ME! I'm excited to be back in leadership again. I'm pulling out my materials and getting myself set up for success this time. I want to go to Vegas for the national conference this summer. I want to grow and learn and maybe one day give up the 9-5. LOL. I'm still getting on the elliptical for 15 every day. I don't feel like there's been much improvement in anything besides my appetite. I'm going to keep trying though. I need to lose the weight. Maybe I'll start mall walking a couple of times a week. I can meet new people and get exercise.
Wednesday, January 13, 2016
Steps
I am taking steps on my own path now. I am leaving my job at the hospital. It weighs me down. I dread going in there and I am so indecisive when i get a text message on my phone asking for help, and I almost always look for excuses not to go in.
I am ready and willing to take my Avon business to the next level. Anew commitment to making a successful business for myself. I have talked to my DM, and next week she and I are going to work on building my business. I feel good about the decisions I have made today for myself.
Sometimes letting go can be hard, but when it's said and done, it's the best thing we can do for ourselves. I'll miss my rehab girls, but I need to do this for myself, and for my family. my kids are only going to be young once. I refuse to spend it being tired, at work or frustrated because of work.
I am ready and willing to take my Avon business to the next level. Anew commitment to making a successful business for myself. I have talked to my DM, and next week she and I are going to work on building my business. I feel good about the decisions I have made today for myself.
Sometimes letting go can be hard, but when it's said and done, it's the best thing we can do for ourselves. I'll miss my rehab girls, but I need to do this for myself, and for my family. my kids are only going to be young once. I refuse to spend it being tired, at work or frustrated because of work.
Sunday, January 10, 2016
Growing Up
When my son started playing hockey. I knew that it was not going to be easy. I saw the passion when he started bringing books home from the library. I knew that there was something there as I watched him walk effortlessly in the ice skates, even the first time. When he said he wanted to be a goalie is when the fear started to set in.
My son said he wanted to play the hardest position on the ice. He wants people to hit pucks at his head. He wants to wear all that gear and be responsible for getting scored on. He's done enough research, he knows what he's getting into. and after two weeks of dressing as goalie, he loves it more than ever.
Yesterday his coach stopped me as I went to gather his equipment and said, "He's a natural."
The moms were telling me how great he was doing, everyone was so proud of him. As I watched one child push him over, try to take over his net, and hit him with his stick, I worried for him. Every Time I saw a puck get past him, I worried for him. I wanted to cheer for him every time he made a save, but I'm trying to practice "heads-up" hockey parenting, I don't want another parent to feel bad his kid doesn't make a goal.
I have been filled with emotion since practice ended yesterday. For the second time in the last six months, I have heard that one of my children has made an amazing impact on a coach. What makes it harder for me, is that they both made the decisions on their own.
They're both growing up, becoming independent. I take it I must be doing a good job raising them to know themselves and listen to their subconscious as to what they want. To see my son, learning and studying the game of hockey, and watch my daughter hit a tennis ball as if it where a shuttlecock, I am awed at their skill. I am proud of their talent, and hard work to continue to stay on top of their respective games.
My turn to do my homework.
My son said he wanted to play the hardest position on the ice. He wants people to hit pucks at his head. He wants to wear all that gear and be responsible for getting scored on. He's done enough research, he knows what he's getting into. and after two weeks of dressing as goalie, he loves it more than ever.
Yesterday his coach stopped me as I went to gather his equipment and said, "He's a natural."
The moms were telling me how great he was doing, everyone was so proud of him. As I watched one child push him over, try to take over his net, and hit him with his stick, I worried for him. Every Time I saw a puck get past him, I worried for him. I wanted to cheer for him every time he made a save, but I'm trying to practice "heads-up" hockey parenting, I don't want another parent to feel bad his kid doesn't make a goal.
I have been filled with emotion since practice ended yesterday. For the second time in the last six months, I have heard that one of my children has made an amazing impact on a coach. What makes it harder for me, is that they both made the decisions on their own.
They're both growing up, becoming independent. I take it I must be doing a good job raising them to know themselves and listen to their subconscious as to what they want. To see my son, learning and studying the game of hockey, and watch my daughter hit a tennis ball as if it where a shuttlecock, I am awed at their skill. I am proud of their talent, and hard work to continue to stay on top of their respective games.
My turn to do my homework.
Friday, January 8, 2016
15 Minutes.
I've been having trouble getting motivated this week. I don't know if it's because of the long periods of time between my shifts, or just not having as much to run the kids to, as I did before winter break, or just getting used to not going to work as much.
Don't get me wrong, I love my schedule, and really don't want to change it. I know it was colder this week and my bed was so comfortable. BUUTTT, today I finally got my lazy but up and got on my elliptical. I've done 15 minutes today. I am going to get another 15 in later today. I want so much to be healthier for my family. I have to get on every day and work on it.
This is about not being thin enough to ride a roller coaster with my kids because the seat belt won't fit. Then I'm embarrassed and Ian feels bad, then when I say, no I don't want to he doesn't understand. He says "oh I weigh 200 pounds". In my head I'm like, OMG I wish I was only 200 pounds.
I put on 70 pounds in my three years at this hospital. I'm going to try to lose a good portion of that before May. I can do this. I have to do this. I WILL DO this, Not just for myself but for my family.
Don't get me wrong, I love my schedule, and really don't want to change it. I know it was colder this week and my bed was so comfortable. BUUTTT, today I finally got my lazy but up and got on my elliptical. I've done 15 minutes today. I am going to get another 15 in later today. I want so much to be healthier for my family. I have to get on every day and work on it.
This is about not being thin enough to ride a roller coaster with my kids because the seat belt won't fit. Then I'm embarrassed and Ian feels bad, then when I say, no I don't want to he doesn't understand. He says "oh I weigh 200 pounds". In my head I'm like, OMG I wish I was only 200 pounds.
I put on 70 pounds in my three years at this hospital. I'm going to try to lose a good portion of that before May. I can do this. I have to do this. I WILL DO this, Not just for myself but for my family.
Tuesday, January 5, 2016
Lonely
With the kids back in school after winter break, the school year almost half over, and only one birthday to go, It's time for me to start looking for things for the kids to do over the summer. It seems early as we haven't even gotten any snow yet, let alone gotten to Easter. I'm learning that if I don't start planning and paying on it, the kids will be bored most of the summer, besides Audrey and band.
Audrey had originally wanted to go to Spain, and we have started to pay on it, but the cost is up there, Then she wants to go to tennis camp. do an aquarium camp at the zoo, and then next year, she wants to go to a vet prep camp in Columbus. Lucas wants to go to goalie camp at the end of the summer, and any other hockey camp he can find. ( I found one in Maine, but the price is just as bad as Audrey's trip to Spain.)
On top of everything else, we're struggling to catch up from Ian not working. That doesn't help him, as he feels that he's not making enough. It's not even that. Once we catch up, things will get better. It's just going to take time. I work two days a week and make s much as I was at the hospital. I want more visits, more during the day while the kids are at school, hopefully.
Sometimes I wish I had someone else to talk to. I know if I wanted to I could ask, but, I don't want to burden anyone, I'm not close enough to anyone anymore to just call and vent or use as a sounding board. My mother is always judgmental, and rarely supportive. It's frustrating, and sometimes makes me wonder why we moved back to Sandusky. It's not it hasn't been good for us. It's been really good for us, but it's hard to no have anyone to really talk to.
I'm scared. I worry all the time that we won't make our bills. I'm always trying to scrimp and save. Ian wants desperately to start a savings account, I do too, but its so hard when we have bills that seem to materialize out of nowhere, on top of the bills we (I) know about. I feel like I could hit the lottery and still owe a ton of money.
I wonder if that feeling will ever leave.
Audrey had originally wanted to go to Spain, and we have started to pay on it, but the cost is up there, Then she wants to go to tennis camp. do an aquarium camp at the zoo, and then next year, she wants to go to a vet prep camp in Columbus. Lucas wants to go to goalie camp at the end of the summer, and any other hockey camp he can find. ( I found one in Maine, but the price is just as bad as Audrey's trip to Spain.)
On top of everything else, we're struggling to catch up from Ian not working. That doesn't help him, as he feels that he's not making enough. It's not even that. Once we catch up, things will get better. It's just going to take time. I work two days a week and make s much as I was at the hospital. I want more visits, more during the day while the kids are at school, hopefully.
Sometimes I wish I had someone else to talk to. I know if I wanted to I could ask, but, I don't want to burden anyone, I'm not close enough to anyone anymore to just call and vent or use as a sounding board. My mother is always judgmental, and rarely supportive. It's frustrating, and sometimes makes me wonder why we moved back to Sandusky. It's not it hasn't been good for us. It's been really good for us, but it's hard to no have anyone to really talk to.
I'm scared. I worry all the time that we won't make our bills. I'm always trying to scrimp and save. Ian wants desperately to start a savings account, I do too, but its so hard when we have bills that seem to materialize out of nowhere, on top of the bills we (I) know about. I feel like I could hit the lottery and still owe a ton of money.
I wonder if that feeling will ever leave.
Monday, January 4, 2016
Back to Basics
Today the kids went back to school.
Lucas was excited, because he loves where he is. I've been fortunate enough to be blessed wfith two smarter than average children. So as Lucas is considered gifted by the school systems he was invited to the "advanced school". Here he is challenged to meet his full potential, and offered time in labs, nature, and other facilities where he can learn more, and in different ways. This year has been a challenge for him, he has never switched schools. We had some behavior issues, and we wonder if it's from Ian going back to being gone five days a week.
Lucas's grades dropped, and he was missing a lot of work, either handing it in late or not at all. I wonder if it was Ian, or a combination of having to be at my mom's a couple nights a week as I worked twelve hour shifts. Since I've been home more, his grades have gone up and he seems happier. On one of his papers today he even wrote, "My life is awesome." I almost cried.
I'm the type of person to second guess myself. I always wonder if I'm doing the right thing. Today my eight year old son clarified it for me.
I'm trying to learn to be a band/hockey/tennis mom. Band I get. I've been there, done that. I understand what goes into being part of that organization. Hockey, I understand the game. I was a hockey girlfriend/best friend all through high school. I spent winters at the ice rinks all through high school and even after. I've traveled for tournaments, I KNOW how expensive it is. I never expected to be a hockey mom though. I'm learning, all those little things I never paid attention to with my ex-husband and now ex best friend, I have to learn on my own. It can only get easier eventually. Tennis is a totally new thing to me. My brother played for like one year I think in high school. I have no clue as to what I'm doing. I have to listen my now fifteen year old daughter when she tries to explain.
And so the new year begins, with learning the basics of being a band/hockey/tennis mom. Getting the kids fed, managing equipment, bus services, homework advisor, and above all, number one fan for my amazing student athletes.
Lucas was excited, because he loves where he is. I've been fortunate enough to be blessed wfith two smarter than average children. So as Lucas is considered gifted by the school systems he was invited to the "advanced school". Here he is challenged to meet his full potential, and offered time in labs, nature, and other facilities where he can learn more, and in different ways. This year has been a challenge for him, he has never switched schools. We had some behavior issues, and we wonder if it's from Ian going back to being gone five days a week.
Lucas's grades dropped, and he was missing a lot of work, either handing it in late or not at all. I wonder if it was Ian, or a combination of having to be at my mom's a couple nights a week as I worked twelve hour shifts. Since I've been home more, his grades have gone up and he seems happier. On one of his papers today he even wrote, "My life is awesome." I almost cried.
I'm the type of person to second guess myself. I always wonder if I'm doing the right thing. Today my eight year old son clarified it for me.
I'm trying to learn to be a band/hockey/tennis mom. Band I get. I've been there, done that. I understand what goes into being part of that organization. Hockey, I understand the game. I was a hockey girlfriend/best friend all through high school. I spent winters at the ice rinks all through high school and even after. I've traveled for tournaments, I KNOW how expensive it is. I never expected to be a hockey mom though. I'm learning, all those little things I never paid attention to with my ex-husband and now ex best friend, I have to learn on my own. It can only get easier eventually. Tennis is a totally new thing to me. My brother played for like one year I think in high school. I have no clue as to what I'm doing. I have to listen my now fifteen year old daughter when she tries to explain.
And so the new year begins, with learning the basics of being a band/hockey/tennis mom. Getting the kids fed, managing equipment, bus services, homework advisor, and above all, number one fan for my amazing student athletes.
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