Lonely

With the kids back in school after winter break, the school year almost half over, and only one birthday to go, It's time for me to start looking for things for the kids to do over the summer. It seems early as we haven't even gotten any snow yet, let alone gotten to Easter. I'm learning that if I don't start planning and paying on it, the kids will be bored most of the summer, besides Audrey and band.

Audrey had originally wanted to go to Spain, and we have started to pay on it, but the cost is up there, Then she wants to go to tennis camp. do an aquarium camp at the zoo, and then next year, she wants to go to a vet prep camp in Columbus. Lucas wants to go to goalie camp at the end of the summer, and any other hockey camp he can find. ( I found one in Maine, but the price is just as bad as Audrey's trip to Spain.)

On top of everything else, we're struggling to catch up from Ian not working. That doesn't help him, as he feels that he's not making enough. It's not even that. Once we catch up, things will get better. It's just going to take time. I work two days a week and make s much as I was at the hospital. I want more visits, more during the day while the kids are at school, hopefully.

Sometimes I wish I had someone else to talk to. I know if I wanted to I could ask, but, I don't want to burden anyone, I'm not close enough to anyone anymore to just call and vent or use as a sounding board. My mother is always judgmental, and rarely supportive. It's frustrating, and sometimes makes me wonder why we moved back to Sandusky.   It's not it hasn't been good for us. It's been really good for us, but it's hard to no have anyone to really talk to.

I'm scared. I worry all the time that we won't make our bills. I'm always trying to scrimp and save. Ian wants desperately to start a savings account,  I do too, but its so hard when we have bills that seem to materialize out of nowhere, on top of the bills we (I) know about. I feel like I could hit the lottery and still owe a ton of money.

I wonder if that feeling will ever leave.